I’m back with another book review, which is of Raffi Bilek’s the Couples Communication Handbook. It is easy to read, personable, informative, and even funny at times!

Informative about Couples Communication from the Start

I like that the book starts off with a note about marriage, relationships, and partnerships being interchangeable so that readers understand that the skills are able to be applied to all levels of significant other relationships.

Some other notes made in the intro:

• The book aims to be a practical guide about communication in relationships
• It addresses myths about communication and relationships
• It emphasizes the importance of empathy and intimacy

The Chapters Are Well Organized

The Couples Communication Handbook offers wonderfully organized chapters, including chapters and sections on the following:

• Relationship do’s and don’ts
• Offensive strategies (such as using code words) and defensive strategies (such as taking time outs to cool off before arguments get too heated and unproductive and reminding each other to focus on exploration of feelings rather than solving problems)
• Best timing, best ways to communicate (not by text for emotionally heated issues!), and non-verbal communication to keep in mind for having difficult conversations
• Learning how to really listen to each other
• Learning how to focus on one’s own feelings instead of blaming or attacking (such as using I-statements)
• Common struggles couples go through and how to best navigate them

Things I Like about the Couples Communication Handbook

Some of the things I like about the book:

• It’s incredibly personable, with Bilek being candid about many of his own moments of both failing and succeeding at applying his own advice
• It’s humorous and playful
• It validates how difficult healthy communication can be
• It is encouraging about trying, failing, and practicing the skills addressed
• It is trauma informed (including providing easy to understand neuroscience about the nervous system and survival states that people go into during conflict, distinguishing between intentional and unintentional [flight-based] time outs during conflict, and addressing abandonment issues that might be experienced in relationships)
• It is affirming of gender identity, sexual orientation, neurodivergence, and cultural differences
• It encourages communicating with your partner during calm moments to better implement tools than able to in heated moments
• It uses the helpful acronym LOVE (Listen, reflect in your Own words, Validate, Empathize) to practice healthy communication through empathetic listening
• It provides a list of topics you can use to practice taking turns speaking and listening with your partner
• It addresses helpful mindsets to have with your partner (such as giving benefit of the doubt and not thinking that they can read your mind to meet your needs)
• It encourages making sure to also remember to praise your partner and practice gratitude instead of only focusing on what doesn’t work well in the relationship
• It offers thoughts about when and how to seek professional help as well as when to end a relationship

The Couples Communication Handbook ends with a powerful quote about the skills addressed in the book being helpful to address all other relationships: “The world needs dialogue. The world needs empathy. And the world needs you to be a part of the movement to make that happen.”

The Only Thing I Didn’t Like about the Book

Although I think the information in the book can be useful for everyone, some readers might not see themselves in the examples. I appreciate that many of the names used in the couples vignettes could be taken as gender neutral so that the vignettes could be applied to couples of any gender combination, but the vignettes and general conflicts addressed throughout the book seem to represent typical cisgender and heterosexual couples. Also, though the book is affirming of neurodivergence, the common conflicts explored don’t specifically address common conflicts in couples of mixed neurotypes.

How to Seek Couples Counseling

As Bilek points out in his book, sometimes reading a book isn’t going to do enough to learn the skills and sometimes couples benefit from working with a professional. I am providing a list of some of my most trusted colleagues in Maryland who work with couples since I don’t:

• Raffi Bilek and team at Baltimore Therapy Center (I’ve actually known him for several years through our local therapist community, and I know him to be a wise and friendly person aside from this book!)
• Resonate Counseling
• Space Between Counseling
• Garnering Change Psychotherapy
• Noelle Benach
• Kory Andreas
• Gretchen Forbes
• Elise Rittler
• Suzette Nozick
• Relationships Work