I’m back with another book review, which is of Raffi Bilek’s the Couples Communication Handbook. It is easy to read, personable, informative, and even funny at times!

Informative about Couples Communication from the Start

I like that the book starts off with a note about marriage, relationships, and partnerships being interchangeable so that readers understand that the skills are able to be applied to all levels of significant other relationships.

Some other notes made in the intro:

• The book aims to be a practical guide about communication in relationships
• It addresses myths about communication and relationships
• It emphasizes the importance of empathy and intimacy

The Chapters Are Well Organized

The Couples Communication Handbook offers wonderfully organized chapters, including chapters and sections on the following:

• Relationship do’s and don’ts
• Offensive strategies (such as using code words) and defensive strategies (such as taking time outs to cool off before arguments get too heated and unproductive and reminding each other to focus on exploration of feelings rather than solving problems)
• Best timing, best ways to communicate (not by text for emotionally heated issues!), and non-verbal communication to keep in mind for having difficult conversations
• Learning how to really listen to each other
• Learning how to focus on one’s own feelings instead of blaming or attacking (such as using I-statements)
• Common struggles couples go through and how to best navigate them

Things I Like about the Couples Communication Handbook

Some of the things I like about the book:

• It’s incredibly personable, with Bilek being candid about many of his own moments of both failing and succeeding at applying his own advice
• It’s humorous and playful
• It validates how difficult healthy communication can be
• It is encouraging about trying, failing, and practicing the skills addressed
• It is trauma informed (including providing easy to understand neuroscience about the nervous system and survival states that people go into during conflict, distinguishing between intentional and unintentional [flight-based] time outs during conflict, and addressing abandonment issues that might be experienced in relationships)
• It is affirming of gender identity, sexual orientation, neurodivergence, and cultural differences
• It encourages communicating with your partner during calm moments to better implement tools than able to in heated moments
• It uses the helpful acronym LOVE (Listen, reflect in your Own words, Validate, Empathize) to practice healthy communication through empathetic listening
• It provides a list of topics you can use to practice taking turns speaking and listening with your partner
• It addresses helpful mindsets to have with your partner (such as giving benefit of the doubt and not thinking that they can read your mind to meet your needs)
• It encourages making sure to also remember to praise your partner and practice gratitude instead of only focusing on what doesn’t work well in the relationship
• It offers thoughts about when and how to seek professional help as well as when to end a relationship

The Couples Communication Handbook ends with a powerful quote about the skills addressed in the book being helpful to address all other relationships: “The world needs dialogue. The world needs empathy. And the world needs you to be a part of the movement to make that happen.”

Overall, I think that the information in the book can be useful for everyone. I appreciate that many of the names used in the couples vignettes could be taken as gender neutral so that the vignettes could be applied to couples of any gender combination. A lot of the examples provided are common for couples of any gender and sexual identity (e.g. disagreements about household tasks, other tasks, interactions with in-laws or other family members, parenting, etc.).

Possible Room for Expansion

I could tell, and greatly appreciate, that Bilek put a lot of effort into making the book feel relatable to everyone. However, I felt that the book feels most relatable to people who identify with mostly traditional gender roles and neurotypical neurotypes (or people who at least conform to neurotypical communication).

Feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt because I myself identify as a cisgender, straight person who is possibly imagining a lack that others might not actually see. While the book does not address traditional gender roles or give any sense of expectations of people of certain genders, some of the examples used felt to me like typical cisgender, heterosexual couple issues. For example, Bilek shares an account of when he didn’t like food his wife cooked for him and an account of when his wife was upset that he didn’t sweep. I can certainly relate to such dynamics but wonder if some readers might not.

I appreciate that Bilek doesn’t say anything that indicates that any particular neurotype is best or that all communication should be aligned with that of neurotypical people, but I didn’t feel like the book necessarily speaks to communication struggles in couples of mixed neurotypes. It doesn’t address differences in things such as:

• Comfort/discomfort making eye contact during conversations
• Comfort/discomfort with socializing
• Differing needs regarding the environment or stimulation (e.g. sounds, smells, etc.)
• Differing needs regarding time apart or quiet time (which can include parallel play or time together that’s not spent engaging together)
• Differences in preferred types of communication (e.g. being blunt/direct or being tactful)

I am aware that it might have added too much to the book for Bilek to have covered these kinds of topics in depth and that he might have chosen to keep it shorter and simpler for greater accessibility. I’m hoping that these topics at least get touched on if he writes a sequel.

Get the First TWO Chapters for FREE

You can get the first two chapters of the Couples Communication Handbook for free when you sign up on the website!

How to Seek Couples Counseling

As Bilek points out in his book, sometimes reading a book isn’t going to do enough to learn the skills and sometimes couples benefit from working with a professional.

For Maryland residents, I am providing a list of some of my most trusted colleagues who work with couples since I don’t:

• Raffi Bilek and team at Baltimore Therapy Center (I’ve actually known him for several years through our local therapist community, and I know him to be a wise and friendly person aside from this book!)
• Resonate Counseling
• Space Between Counseling
• Garnering Change Psychotherapy
• Noelle Benach
• Kory Andreas
• Gretchen Forbes
• Elise Rittler
• Suzette Nozick
• Relationships Work

For residents of other states, you can do an online search or can use therapist directories (such as Trauma Therapist Network, Psychology Today, Therapy Den) and use the search functions to look for providers who work with couples.